I love a good awards ceremony, Oscars, Bafta’s, Grammy’s, Emmy’s, Brit Awards, Soap Awards, actually maybe not the last one, but you can’t beat a bit of snooping at the outfits and sniggering at the gushing speeches. I’ll admit on the surface, an awards ceremony can be a bit dull, especially I would imagine if you have to attend it as the highlighted version we watch is still about 2 hours long, we don’t have to sit through the non essential awards for Best Special Effects, Best Costume, Best Coffee On Set, Best Trailer Decor, etc.

I awoke this morning excited to see the winners of this year’s Oscars. BBC Breakfast News congratulated the non-UK winners through gritted teeth. The silent French film The Artist swept the awards. Bill and Sian desperately tried to wave the GB flag via Meryl Streep’s Best Actress award as her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher, which was excellent, but as Sian stated 2 or 10 times that it was a British film about a British Prime Minister. To distract us from the fact that the French did very well, the BBC duo patted their backs that Britain did very well in Sound and Make-up awards, yeah cos that is what everyone really wants to win!

Still, nothing is as nauseauting as the E! Channel’s 24 hour “Red Carpet Live” footage. Where the main ambition of the programming is what is everyone wearing and who is going out with who, with their perky presenters obsessing about every detail with stalker type interview techniques. Ryan Seacrest takes the lead on the red carpet, asking the intellectual questions such as “Who are you wearing today?” where a botoxed starlet answers in a rehearsed reply, “This is a Gee-von-shee dress with Loo-boo-ton jewellery which my stylist picked for me, isn’t it aaaamaaaazzzzinggg!”. Seacrest clearly has a hard-hitting journalist background going by his slightly awkward interview with French actor from The Artist, Jean Du Jardin. Du Jardin seems to have very limited English, however, it wasn’t necessary for Seacrest to loudly over-pronounce his questioning, “Arrre yoou exciiiited abouuut theee aaawaaard?” to Du Jardin’s exciting response, “Ummm yes”. Fascinating television.

You have to love the newbie winners too, Octavia Spencer was awarded Best Supporting Actress for her role in The Help, when asked the inane Seacrest question, “How does it feel to win?” she replied “Man, it feels like getting cake!”. Ok then. Still makes a change from hearing the word amazing fourteen times in one sentence. And she didn’t let us down with the sobfest acceptance speech either.

You’ve got to feel sorry for the less attractive actors, while George Clooney swans past with his latest stunning model arm candy, Jonah Hill (the chubby one from the likes of Forgetting Sarah Marshall type films) brought his Mum as his date. He explains to Seacrest because his Mum always wanted to experience the Oscars, yeah right haven’t got a girlfriend then Jonah?

One of my other favourite things about awards ceremonies has to be the ‘haven’t won’ face that the other actors have to express when the winner is announced. Best Actor this year went to Jean Du Jardin, meanwhile Brad Pitt, who was tipped for this accolade, gave the best tight lipped disappointed face, as trout pout other half Angelina rubbed his shoulder sympathetically. Kenneth ‘Muppet Lips’ Brannagh was just happy to be seated in the first four rows so didn’t mind not getting the prize.

But for me, the main reason to watch it is so I can have a butchers at the dresses. A fashion expert on Breakfast News said this morning that the dresses are mainly custom made on 6ft tall models so that when the likes of midget sized actresses like Michelle Williams wears it the dress looks so long it could have been made from a parachute. While being interviewed about ‘their amazing experience in this amazing place’ they can pose perfectly but it’s the walking away that is my favourite part, watching them hoick up their dresses like milkmaids sort of ruins the whole effect.